Delays

It's been nearly a month since I had my last chemotherapy treatment. I'm currently on a regimen where I receive my cocktail every third week. Everyone's different. We receive different dosages at different intervals depending on what works best. It's so interesting the way every treatment is so specifically personalized to each individual.

My Doctors tell me they're amazed at how much my body has been able to handle, especially after this many treatments. They started off my trial with extremely high doses of chemotherapy back in February. That's initially what they try and do. The idea is to shock the cancer as much as possible. Start off with very heavy doses and see how your body reacts. As your levels slowly decline (which will always inevitably happen) they begin to reduce the drugs and temper the medication with your blood counts. A constant balancing act between how much your body can handle, how you feel and how much medication they can sustain to best fight the cancer.

Since then, I've only missed one cycle due to low counts and they've barely reduced the drug levels. Most people wouldn't have lasted this long. As much as the side effects have been a little more daunting (I am receiving around double the amount another survivor would) it's a great indication of how strong my body is. The ability to bounce back after a couple of weeks is very impressive. The stronger my body is, the more drugs I can handle which in turn should give me the best results.

My counts dropped for the second time last week. My initial thought was disappointment. While most people would be eager to have another week or two off, I tend to take the news personally. Did I do something wrong? Could I have rested more? Had some more vitamins? Like I said, more chemo means more cancer killing. Every time we miss a treatment, I can't help but think we're letting it grow. This whole process is as much mental as it is physical. It's hard not to beat yourself up over delays. 

The truth is some things are entirely out of my control. It's not my fault my counts didn't return to where they need to be in order to treat. This would've happened no matter how much I rested or what I ate. So as I sat in the hospital last week feeling down on myself as they told me the news, you can imagine my shock as my Doctors literally turned to each other and chuckled about how surprised they are I've lasted this long, almost like an inside joke.

One thing I've learned over the past year is how unusual Doctor humour can be. Their ability to find comedy in the oddest of situations. Something you and I would never find funny, they manage to turn to each other and joke about. Not in an insensitive manner, that's just their way of thinking. I admire anyone in the healthcare field. Not only are they brilliant, but they think on a level most of us would never comprehend. They live and breath science, medicine and studies. I admire their skill and dedication to the field.

It's taken me a while to appreciate their ability to find humour in medical situations. It's the same way my oncologist would argue that chemotherapy helped me start walking again but my radiologist would counteract it and say it was the blast of radiation that did the trick. All in good fun of course. We'll never really know if it was one or the other, or a combination of both, that helped me regain function of my knee. But watching the two of them bicker back and forth like rival sports teams on a field discussing who's treatment was more successful can be quite comical.

It reminds me they're just like anyone else. Their job is filled with lots of big life altering decisions. I've watched the pain on their faces as they give me terrible news, I can only imagine how many difficult days they endure. So when they find time to laugh, even at things you and I deem unusual, I say good for them. It's just taken me a while to appreciate it. Almost like an outsider trying to understand the club. Not at my expense, but for their sanity I suppose. I often say laughter is the best medicine, so I think it's important they can find it from time to time.   

I was at the hospital again yesterday, this time in Barrie. I'll save my love for RVH for another day, but needless to say it was a pleasure to see my medical team here in town. It wasn't until after I left that I learned my counts are once again too low. I've since been reassured that this is in fact normal and I should relax. It's much easier said then done but I'm going to try and do my best. Like I said, this isn't my fault. While I like to beat myself up, I have to remember there's nothing I could've done differently.

As most of you know I'm a control freak. The problem with cancer is it's so highly unpredictable. Every week is a new adventure with different variables. I've been trying to find balance and make plans only to find out that my treatment is postponed for the past two weeks. Sometimes I wonder if I'm more upset my counts didn't bounce back or if I'm just annoyed I have to reschedule and adjust my routine.

All I can do is try and relinquish control as much as possible. It's all about tempering expectations and this week I just couldn't get there. Like I said, my Doctors are amazed I've lasted this long at such a high dose. I should find solace in the fact that I'm able to sustain the treatment as well as I do. Rather than beat myself up over low counts.

For now, I'm going to try and embrace another week off. Find time to enjoy myself and do what I do best - hope. Hope my blood work returns to normal (cancer normal) and focus on the positives. It was a good run while it lasted. This was expected eventually, everyone is different, my body is doing well and right now it just needs a break.

Random Acts of Kindness

People often stop and ask me how I do it, or wonder why I bother making my story such a public one. The truth is, I do it for myself just as much as others. I've said it on a consistent basis. The positive response I receive is overwhelming and gives me the strength to carry me through the roughest days.

I'll be honest with you, I sometimes get more messages from strangers than my own friends. I've learned to accept this as the new norm. Cancer can be such a scary thing. While the word itself is becoming more commonly used and understood, how to be there for someone battling this disease can be tricky.

Like I said, I get at least 10 messages a day from strangers telling me how inspirational I am or offering to lend a hand around the house. While I do surround myself with amazing friends and family, it's often the people I don't know that leave me in complete awe.



Tonya and Tina (fellow survivor)

A month ago a fundraiser was held in my honour, along with another survivor, Tina. I had never met Tonya, a Country singer, who organized the entire event and performed. But it was a pleasure to spend the night with her and all the others that joined us that evening. I've had a lot of fundraisers held for me since I was diagnosed, and I plan to write about that generosity another day, but what people don't understand is that while I appreciate the money - and it will certainly contribute towards my medical bills, etc. It's actually spending time with everyone that means the most to me. You can't put a price on that kind of support. The kind new people I have the opportunity to meet and the time spent with loved ones is such a blessing.

I'm so moved that Tonya and her husband included me in the evenings festivities. That without meeting me, still wanted to help my family and I. I want to thank everyone else that volunteered their time and efforts as well. I got to meet some great people that night but I think my favourite part was watching Tina receive a new wig. I know the struggle of going through chemo and losing your hair all too well, but that was Tina's first wig. The way her face lit up really touched my heart. We stood there - at the front of the venue, with all of our friends and family united by the same cause. Holding envelopes, wigs and heavy flowers, we joined hands and laughed. It's funny the way the two of us had never met but yet in that moment shared such a bond - two survivors surrounded by so much love. 

Stacey and Gord - Owners of the Midland Drive In

A couple weeks ago I was honoured with another amazing surprise. Stacey and Gord, the owners of the Midland drive in, heard how much I enjoy going so they got in touch with my family and decided to throw me 'A Night for Nicole.' It was literally just my friends, family and I in attendance. They shut down the entire venue and allowed me to pick one of my favourite movies - the original Ninja Turtles won. I had such a fantastic evening! Their friends, Jill and Sheila even volunteered their time to run the concession stand with unlimited snacks!

It wasn't the 80's movie or food that touched me that evening. It was just the idea that these people, that I had never met, genuinely wanted to do this random act of kindness for me. It turns out they all used to work there many years ago. I loved hearing stories of how they all met and worked there as kids -arguing over who was better at soft drinks vs. popcorn. Those lifelong friends found out about my story and just wanted to give me a special night out, what an amazing surprise!

As the movie ended, the endless popcorn bags were handed out and hugs exchanged all around, I couldn't help but think how luckily I am to get to know people like that. What they gave me was so much more than a handful of sweet memories. There must've been close to 50 balloons lining all of the speaker boxes of that field that night. As the festivities came to a close, they began to cut and release them into the dark sky. It was a beautiful sight to watch that many pink balloons float through the night and disappear. In that moment all I felt was love. It's things like that I can't even begin to thank people for.

There have been so many people that have come together to help my family and I over the past few months. Whether it was a night out, donation, warm meal or nice message. I could sit here for hours and write about the kindness of strangers. I can assure you there will be a lot more blog posts about it moving forward. There's just not enough 'thank yous' I can fit into one entry!

From the stranger that covered my bill at a restaurant, (I still don't know who you are) to the family that stopped me at the mall. Please, never feel like you can't approach me. I assure you those words of encouragement and thoughtful gestures made my day. To know that I have so many people following my story and offering their support means the world! You guys remind me that I'm not alone.

I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on anyone, but it's this journey that has given me the platform to get to know so many people. For that, I am very grateful.

Never underestimate how valuable you are to a survivor, or anyone for that matter. Random acts of kindness can go a long way. You don't have to be fighting Cancer or running a fundraiser to help people. Tell someone they're beautiful, hold open that door, or offer to lend a hand. If we all took the time to do more small acts of kindness we could make a big difference!

You guys have made a huge difference in my life. I will continue to fight and make my story public because like I said, it's all of you that remind me I can do this! It's all of your support that help me fight my battle! Together we're an army!

I assure you all of your messages and help have not been random or small. They've made such a big  impact on my life and for that I am forever grateful, thank you.