Beating Cancer, one day at a time

Beating Cancer, one day at a time

Tuesday 21 July 2015

Delays

It's been nearly a month since I had my last chemotherapy treatment. I'm currently on a regimen where I receive my cocktail every third week. Everyone's different. We receive different dosages at different intervals depending on what works best. It's so interesting the way every treatment is so specifically personalized to each individual.

My Doctors tell me they're amazed at how much my body has been able to handle, especially after this many treatments. They started off my trial with extremely high doses of chemotherapy back in February. That's initially what they try and do. The idea is to shock the cancer as much as possible. Start off with very heavy doses and see how your body reacts. As your levels slowly decline (which will always inevitably happen) they begin to reduce the drugs and temper the medication with your blood counts. A constant balancing act between how much your body can handle, how you feel and how much medication they can sustain to best fight the cancer.

Since then, I've only missed one cycle due to low counts and they've barely reduced the drug levels. Most people wouldn't have lasted this long. As much as the side effects have been a little more daunting (I am receiving around double the amount another survivor would) it's a great indication of how strong my body is. The ability to bounce back after a couple of weeks is very impressive. The stronger my body is, the more drugs I can handle which in turn should give me the best results.

My counts dropped for the second time last week. My initial thought was disappointment. While most people would be eager to have another week or two off, I tend to take the news personally. Did I do something wrong? Could I have rested more? Had some more vitamins? Like I said, more chemo means more cancer killing. Every time we miss a treatment, I can't help but think we're letting it grow. This whole process is as much mental as it is physical. It's hard not to beat yourself up over delays. 

The truth is some things are entirely out of my control. It's not my fault my counts didn't return to where they need to be in order to treat. This would've happened no matter how much I rested or what I ate. So as I sat in the hospital last week feeling down on myself as they told me the news, you can imagine my shock as my Doctors literally turned to each other and chuckled about how surprised they are I've lasted this long, almost like an inside joke.

One thing I've learned over the past year is how unusual Doctor humour can be. Their ability to find comedy in the oddest of situations. Something you and I would never find funny, they manage to turn to each other and joke about. Not in an insensitive manner, that's just their way of thinking. I admire anyone in the healthcare field. Not only are they brilliant, but they think on a level most of us would never comprehend. They live and breath science, medicine and studies. I admire their skill and dedication to the field.

It's taken me a while to appreciate their ability to find humour in medical situations. It's the same way my oncologist would argue that chemotherapy helped me start walking again but my radiologist would counteract it and say it was the blast of radiation that did the trick. All in good fun of course. We'll never really know if it was one or the other, or a combination of both, that helped me regain function of my knee. But watching the two of them bicker back and forth like rival sports teams on a field discussing who's treatment was more successful can be quite comical.

It reminds me they're just like anyone else. Their job is filled with lots of big life altering decisions. I've watched the pain on their faces as they give me terrible news, I can only imagine how many difficult days they endure. So when they find time to laugh, even at things you and I deem unusual, I say good for them. It's just taken me a while to appreciate it. Almost like an outsider trying to understand the club. Not at my expense, but for their sanity I suppose. I often say laughter is the best medicine, so I think it's important they can find it from time to time.   

I was at the hospital again yesterday, this time in Barrie. I'll save my love for RVH for another day, but needless to say it was a pleasure to see my medical team here in town. It wasn't until after I left that I learned my counts are once again too low. I've since been reassured that this is in fact normal and I should relax. It's much easier said then done but I'm going to try and do my best. Like I said, this isn't my fault. While I like to beat myself up, I have to remember there's nothing I could've done differently.

As most of you know I'm a control freak. The problem with cancer is it's so highly unpredictable. Every week is a new adventure with different variables. I've been trying to find balance and make plans only to find out that my treatment is postponed for the past two weeks. Sometimes I wonder if I'm more upset my counts didn't bounce back or if I'm just annoyed I have to reschedule and adjust my routine.

All I can do is try and relinquish control as much as possible. It's all about tempering expectations and this week I just couldn't get there. Like I said, my Doctors are amazed I've lasted this long at such a high dose. I should find solace in the fact that I'm able to sustain the treatment as well as I do. Rather than beat myself up over low counts.

For now, I'm going to try and embrace another week off. Find time to enjoy myself and do what I do best - hope. Hope my blood work returns to normal (cancer normal) and focus on the positives. It was a good run while it lasted. This was expected eventually, everyone is different, my body is doing well and right now it just needs a break.

5 comments:

  1. well the weather forecast for your week off looks like a beautiful one, hope you're able to enjoy it!

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  2. Thanks Shaunacey, I hope you are too! And you're not too uncomfortable! I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of you're handsome little man. Can't wait to meet him!

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  3. Love you babes. You are my everything xo :)

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  5. I ran across your blog and you are beautiful story on Facebook and I must say I too am terminally ill with colon cancer... And I felt she did and I also feel the same way how about seeing everyone being in remission having hope... I2 have now started having low white blood counts and low platelets and had to delay some of my treatments they also my milligrams of treatment by 25% which I noticed help me recover quicker... But I also get all the side effects from the chemo that I have to recover because I am a little older than you my body doesn't recover as quickly I'm 57... But everytime I look into the eyes of my 14 year old... Makes me want to fight and do whatever I can do to survive... And sometimes and angry and feel like a brick is on my chest and I can't breathe but then I snap out of it rather quickly because every moment that we breathe and enjoy life is a blessing to me...... That's why your story was so important to me... And even though I shed tears for you talk talk talk I want to say thank you for your story and for taking the time out to share it with all of us.. You are a beautiful young lady inside and out and I'm praying for blessing and may you always stay beautiful...like the song Forever young♥

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