Scanxiety

Yesterday I had my first CT scan in over two months. The first one since I was accepted into clinical trial and started my new "chemo cocktail". I refer to it as a cocktail because the idea of a fancy mixed drink sounds much more appealing then a combination of poison running through my veins.

Testing and scans become a regular activity for any Cancer survivor, constantly checking to see how treatment is working, or how your body is being affected. But for those of us with metastasized disease these visits can become a frequent occurrence. In my case, every three months.

Cancer has the ability to take over your life and consume your thoughts. Always trying to regain control and plan ahead, while constantly battling the uncertainty of what the future might hold. Most of us know that we literally live from scan to scan. Our results can determine if we're moving in the right direction, shrinking tumours and delaying progression, or if life as we know it will soon be over.

Nothing is worse than what we refer to as 'scanxiety' which is exactly what it sounds like. The fear and anxiety that comes before, during, and after our scans.

Ever have those days where you literally can't turn your mind off? Whether it's something like your job or a bad break up? That ever consuming dread that's associated with your worst case scenario. Will I get fired? Are they breaking up with me? Well consider that, then multiply it by A LOT. Because lets be honest, our worst case scenario doesn't get much scarier.

Everyday we are fighting for our lives. And don't get me wrong, there are good days and bad. You learn to cherish those precious moments and forget about the tough times. But I assure you, nothing is more scary then waiting for the impending results. Unfortunately, it never gets any easier.

The best thing you can do is distract your mind. Easier said then done, but I've learned a few tricks over the past year that help aid the process. I wont get into my list of top ten distractions today, but the idea is simple - try to focus on something, anything but the idea of progression.

I talk a lot about tempering expectations, preparing yourself for the worst. So that if it actually happens it won't hurt as bad. The problem with that is even when we receive good news, we spend so much time worrying about the bad that it can be hard to enjoy the good.

I know it can be the hardest thing to do, but you need to stay positive. Border line delusional, mind numbingly optimistic. Because there just can't be another alternative.

I'm always so grateful for my support system. Every friend and family member sending me positive vibes. I take every good thought and prayer and store it deep down. I feed off that energy. I use humour to try and flip even the worst situations. There are times when I don't even believe it myself, but there just has to be a silver lining.

 It's like every three months I jump out of a plane. I spend weeks anticipating the flight -adrenaline pumping, short of breath and preparing for the unknown. But it doesn't matter how many practice sessions we do, there's no way to predict what's going to happen. So instead I just jump. I take a deep breath and plunge into the cold air, hoping for the best. Because that's all I can do, hope. I free fall through the sky and pray that my parachute will catch me. That I'll be able to sail safely a while longer.

Because let's be honest, it's happened before. My parachute didn't release and I've never fallen so hard and fast in my life. I don't know how many more times I can hit the ground and get back up. So I try to keep myself from shaking and crying. There's just no other alternative, I need to believe that I'll be carried in the right direction. That I'll feel instant relief as my backpack tugs me back up in the sky. I know I'll have to jump again in three months, and it will be just as scary... But for now, please, let me catch my breath and enjoy the horizon.